It's almost been a week since we climbed beinn resipol (2700 ft) and got lost on the way down.
WHat should have been an invigorating, challenging, yet pleasing 5 to 6 hour hike became 8 hours of grueling, spirit-testing, stomping through uneven peaty ground, bashing our way down a steep downhill through the woods.
Being in the wild, with nature, with no body else within miles radius except our townie selves, made us realise how incredibly vulnerable we are. I have never ever felt so alone and scared before. Other walks we've ever done in britian all had few but some people around or at least... sheep or cows!
The slightly scared and panicky feeling came about actually way before we got lst. It was when we were approaching the last steep cliffs up to the summit. It was pretty darn steep and we were climbing it like spiderman u know, using our hands and edge of our boots to grip the edge of the mountain.
The view of below started to fade away as we became enveloped by clouds. It started to become a little claustrophobic as I knew we were way up high on this mountain, but the cloud was so thick we couldnt see beyond 10 metres ahead. We were ecstatic of course, reaching the top, screaming at the top of my lungs yeahhhh!!
But also, I just felt so vulnerable that nobody else was around. No guard, no ranger, no other walkers. Just me, bjorn and marmite (our hosts 6 year old labrador). What if something happened? I kept obessing about. What if I fell and died?
The wind was also so strong and cold it was quite nuts. I even grabbed bjorn and gave him a huge hug and said how scared I was. Of which of course he thought was silly (but better to have one person scared than 2!)
Taking the wrong turn and getting lost increased my panic. My legs had no feelings anymore. At one point, when we faced a tall deer fence and not sure which way to go around it (plus we had a dog who couldnt climb fences), my heart couldnt stop pounding and my hands were shaking. All this I didnt tell Bjorn at that point coz I knew we needed to stay focused and calm. And of course, I was just getting all panicky for no reason. We knew, just going south will evnetually take us to the road.
What was most worrying, was how I became obessessed about the whole event for the next few nights. The first night, I was tossing and turning in bed for many hours before I tricked my self to go to sleep. The next night, I wouldnt stop talking about what we went through over and over again with Bjorn. Finally on the 3rdnight, I tried to write down why I was obssessing, and came to terms with it.
I couldnt sleep because I was coming up with excuses and reasons for making that wrong turn. Inexperience in the wild certainly was the main reason. Bad weather.. etc. Getting lost with such clear instructions, and with a map and compass seemed so foolish. So 'townie' and foolish. Proves how really useless we are with the real natural world and how we really dont know how to survive the easiest of highlands.
And realising how our transition to become country people still has such a long long way to go. Yet, we are too far from our original, previous world of consumerism. We're hanging in between. In between different paths in life. We havent fully left our old world of shopping and love for chemical food and not being great at recycling. We havent become fully fledged 'hippies' we thought we could be.
And getting lost in the mountains... man that was horrendously a slap in the face of how we might not be able to make it out here. What I was mostly freaked out about was how alone we were. I thought about falling and dying alot. That... was the true, Singaporean in me showing its true colours. I was afraid. Irrationally afraid perhaps. All our lives, we have safety nets everywhere we went. This time, we didnt really. And I shudder at that thought. Was I really ready for a life without safety nets?
Maybe its like how a coutry kid would come to a big city and be overwhelmed by crowd, sounds, people, lights, and fear of being hit by a car or something. Irrational as that. Being lost, all alone, with only my legs, my strength and will to carry me back to civilisation humbled me. Nature humiliated me, and humbled me. It has the power to swallow us whole, make us feel shit scared, cold, tired, hungry, at the same time could make u feel triumphant and incredible.
I didnt want this experience to put me off walking ever again. It had the potential too. But writing and reflecting on why I was feeling regretable and shitty about the whole thing helped. Its been one week now, and Bjorn and I are ready to take on Beinn Resipol again. Especially after watching Mel Gibson as William Wallace on dvd running freely on the very same ridges of the Scottish highlands, confidence came back. Whatever it is,... I have learnt even more now, that we, humans are not above nature. We need to be respectful of it, admire it, use it for our suvival but not to exploit it. We humans have come so far in evolution that one could go through life with never feeling this vulnerable, terrified, panicky feeling yet, instinct for survival once. I should be grateful for this opportunity to have shared an experience with what our hunter gatherer ancestors probably felt daily. We didnt have any luxury here for unesscesary complaining about hardship or tiredness. We just kept going, descpite my panic, so we could be home, safe. Survival instincts - I so know why they call it that now.
WHat should have been an invigorating, challenging, yet pleasing 5 to 6 hour hike became 8 hours of grueling, spirit-testing, stomping through uneven peaty ground, bashing our way down a steep downhill through the woods.
Being in the wild, with nature, with no body else within miles radius except our townie selves, made us realise how incredibly vulnerable we are. I have never ever felt so alone and scared before. Other walks we've ever done in britian all had few but some people around or at least... sheep or cows!
The slightly scared and panicky feeling came about actually way before we got lst. It was when we were approaching the last steep cliffs up to the summit. It was pretty darn steep and we were climbing it like spiderman u know, using our hands and edge of our boots to grip the edge of the mountain.
The view of below started to fade away as we became enveloped by clouds. It started to become a little claustrophobic as I knew we were way up high on this mountain, but the cloud was so thick we couldnt see beyond 10 metres ahead. We were ecstatic of course, reaching the top, screaming at the top of my lungs yeahhhh!!
But also, I just felt so vulnerable that nobody else was around. No guard, no ranger, no other walkers. Just me, bjorn and marmite (our hosts 6 year old labrador). What if something happened? I kept obessing about. What if I fell and died?
The wind was also so strong and cold it was quite nuts. I even grabbed bjorn and gave him a huge hug and said how scared I was. Of which of course he thought was silly (but better to have one person scared than 2!)
Taking the wrong turn and getting lost increased my panic. My legs had no feelings anymore. At one point, when we faced a tall deer fence and not sure which way to go around it (plus we had a dog who couldnt climb fences), my heart couldnt stop pounding and my hands were shaking. All this I didnt tell Bjorn at that point coz I knew we needed to stay focused and calm. And of course, I was just getting all panicky for no reason. We knew, just going south will evnetually take us to the road.
What was most worrying, was how I became obessessed about the whole event for the next few nights. The first night, I was tossing and turning in bed for many hours before I tricked my self to go to sleep. The next night, I wouldnt stop talking about what we went through over and over again with Bjorn. Finally on the 3rdnight, I tried to write down why I was obssessing, and came to terms with it.
I couldnt sleep because I was coming up with excuses and reasons for making that wrong turn. Inexperience in the wild certainly was the main reason. Bad weather.. etc. Getting lost with such clear instructions, and with a map and compass seemed so foolish. So 'townie' and foolish. Proves how really useless we are with the real natural world and how we really dont know how to survive the easiest of highlands.
And realising how our transition to become country people still has such a long long way to go. Yet, we are too far from our original, previous world of consumerism. We're hanging in between. In between different paths in life. We havent fully left our old world of shopping and love for chemical food and not being great at recycling. We havent become fully fledged 'hippies' we thought we could be.
And getting lost in the mountains... man that was horrendously a slap in the face of how we might not be able to make it out here. What I was mostly freaked out about was how alone we were. I thought about falling and dying alot. That... was the true, Singaporean in me showing its true colours. I was afraid. Irrationally afraid perhaps. All our lives, we have safety nets everywhere we went. This time, we didnt really. And I shudder at that thought. Was I really ready for a life without safety nets?
Maybe its like how a coutry kid would come to a big city and be overwhelmed by crowd, sounds, people, lights, and fear of being hit by a car or something. Irrational as that. Being lost, all alone, with only my legs, my strength and will to carry me back to civilisation humbled me. Nature humiliated me, and humbled me. It has the power to swallow us whole, make us feel shit scared, cold, tired, hungry, at the same time could make u feel triumphant and incredible.
I didnt want this experience to put me off walking ever again. It had the potential too. But writing and reflecting on why I was feeling regretable and shitty about the whole thing helped. Its been one week now, and Bjorn and I are ready to take on Beinn Resipol again. Especially after watching Mel Gibson as William Wallace on dvd running freely on the very same ridges of the Scottish highlands, confidence came back. Whatever it is,... I have learnt even more now, that we, humans are not above nature. We need to be respectful of it, admire it, use it for our suvival but not to exploit it. We humans have come so far in evolution that one could go through life with never feeling this vulnerable, terrified, panicky feeling yet, instinct for survival once. I should be grateful for this opportunity to have shared an experience with what our hunter gatherer ancestors probably felt daily. We didnt have any luxury here for unesscesary complaining about hardship or tiredness. We just kept going, descpite my panic, so we could be home, safe. Survival instincts - I so know why they call it that now.
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