Munduk, Bali, Guru Ratna
So after one week break, returning to Singapore for my grandmas wake, we’re back here with my mom and we’re seeing Bali together on a budget and with new open eyes.
In this entry, I wanna talk about spirituality. This topic has been on bjorn and my minds for a while now. It stemmed from the issue we’re facing right now of – what now? Before, we would tell people about our UK wwoof plans and so forth. Now we’re 2 month short of being ‘unemployed’ for a whole year, and what do we have to show for it? What are our plans now, people ask puzzledly, trying to figure out what the hell are these 2 bums up to, how are they going to continue to ‘enjoy life’ while the rest of us slog it out. Others aren’t the only ones asking us this question. We were asking ourselves that too. Our savings isn’t going to last forever. Are we being the praying mantis who sang and laughed and played his music all summer while the ant slaved away and saved its food for a rainy day? …
Those have been the sort of thoughts eating away at us since we reached home to Singapore mid December 2009. We worked with the idea of starting a business – but we so sucked at it (I particularly couldn’t feel it at all) and we were just forcing our way through making something out of this journey we’re doing. What was initially our ‘story’ to bjorns grandparents i.e. starting a business in the organic food industry, became something we so strongly felt we had to pursue asap as to not to waste time. I never felt totally comfortable about it. Importing exporting, shipping, air-flown, logistics, storage etc. All foreign to me and sounds like a lot of carbon footprint. Doesn’t sound local or ethical or anything we learnt and thought we strived for in the first place. Just sounded like a whole lot of business to me.
So we were in a confused place for a long time. And I asked myself a lot, what do I want out of life? What is my purpose? What are we meant to do? They say a good indication of what really drives you in life, is what is the first thing you think of in the morning and what is the thing that gets you leaping out of bed.
I also considered writing a whole list of potential occupations I could be, then listing the pros and cons and eventually come to a decision of what I want to pursue. Teacher? Cook? Yoga instructer? Professional Surfer?
But before I got round to doing that list, one night, it came to me. It came to me like a ball of lightning never so strong before. So clear, so clear. I was so happy I cried. Cried tears of joy that I finally know what I want and why we were so confused for a long time.
The leaping out of bed exercise helped me lead to my revelation. Because random, non-specific things came to mind…like knowing that I’m going to spend a lovely day outdoors, meeting a good friend etc. Then as I made myself really consider deeper, really domestic, mundane things came to mind, like knowing I will have a busy day preparing meals, keeping the house neat and homely for us to live in etc. Keeping my body fit and balanced with good healthy food, fresh air and working out the body. Reading great books, speaking to inspiring people about life, finding beautiful nuggets of thoughts and expressions of our connection to the natural world. These were the things in my life that make me leap out of bed to do.
My whole life, it’s been ingrained into my psyche that one needs to become ‘something’ or ‘someone’. A doctor or lawyer was the top occupations all parents wants us to be. Earn loads of money of course, but more importantly, make your contribution to the world via a job, a career. Make your family proud, make yourself proud. Achieve something, build a small empire. These were all your typical goals of people’s lives in many stories you hear. Rags to riches, nothing to something, qualifications, accolades, awards, etc etc etc. The pressure to become something usually drives people to make wrong choices in their career, their lives and you end up doing something you never really like in the first place, but because it’s prestigious, brings in the money to pay that mortgage or your family’s debts you stay on. And some people die, still thinking they needed to achieve something in life and when they haven’t, they die regretfully.
Why bjorn and I have been so call ‘confused’ is because we were trying to put ourselves into a box. A category which people can easily grasp straight away. Are we on a sabbatical? No, coz we’re not going back. We’re also not really farmers right now, we’re travelers for now. But people will ask – how long are u going to do ‘this’ for. As if we were going to stop. People ask – are we going to ‘buy a farm’. Which is the first thing normal people will assume once we say we want to become farmers. But who says we need to buy anything? Buying will immediately put you in debt. When your heart is in the right place, when your motivations and actions speak good in itself, money and ‘wealth’ will come to you. When you direct your energy in the right places, good will come to you. I am only beginning to understand what Lai Hock means by all this. Only meeting him and Paul 3 short times, I am able to see what they mean. Bjorn’s so anxious to start something now now now. But cannot for the hell of it, figure out what. I say, we are on this life journey together and we will come to it when we come to it. Don’t rush it, don’t hurry. Focus on the road ahead too much, and you’ll miss out on the present days’ moments and joys.
So what was it that became so clear to me on 13 Jan 2010? What was I destined to be, what was my purpose, my calling? What do I want out of this life. Understanding my strengths and weaknesses, my interests, my passions and situation? I realize… I just want to be a housewife. That was it. I want to take care of our own small holding, grow our own vegetables, raise our own animals, have a beautiful country home, be close to nature. Have time to raise some children, some pets and animals, go for walks in the woods, take the family out in the caravan on the weekend, cook delicious healthy meals, sometimes hold parties for the friends. Discuss life & films and music, play some music and being one with mother earth, and just live my short life with my husband, my family, hopefully up to 99 here in this earth, accepting the fact that I don’t have to be anybody or have a career in advertising or politics etc etc etc. That’s our shared goal, Bjorn and I, and as long as we just keep that vision in our heads and make sure that in every action we make, every step we take is going in that direction and not backwards, we are safe, sane and will be happy.
I am super sure of this because I see so many people my age, 30 years old around me, working in their soul destroying jobs, depressed, sad, miserable, life just flashing by them only really living a small portion of it, youth just passing by. And I picture myself maybe 60 years old, retired and living in my fancy condo in Singapore, fat and unhealthy, and looking back at this time, 30 years old, which would I regret more… travelling and seeing the world and changing my life? Or staying in advertising in one place? The answer is a no-brainer.
We need to start living life the moment we feel we can. Not be dragged through it with an invisible ball and chain in the office. Going for meetings, replying emails, staying back late, eating unhealthy food, sitting in air conditioning, missing out on the real world.
We need more of Jack Johnson to tell us that seeing a rainbow is more beautiful than a job promotion. And the Beatles to show us there’s so much creativity in the world, if we only have space in our lives to pursue them. More Pauls to say we’re ahead of the game, quality of life! More Lai Hocks to tell us if our motivations are right, we will receive. More Robert Dunns to assure us that we are the sane ones, others out there are the ones that are mad. And for me, the very first inspiration of this rebelliousness – adbusters. Thank you so much for showing me that the norm as we know it isn’t the only way.
So after all that, we realize we need to listen to our soul’s voices a lot more. As a lot has been revealed to me just by being quiet and listening what it is I really want. Feeling the inner peace inside of us – what Sergio said at GUI’s talk that day. There can be no permaculture, no saving the planet, without spirituality. It’s all in our hearts, we need to discover it. That’s why we’ve signed up for a one week meditation retreat in these Bali hills beginning next week. (Its nice I don’t even know what day it is today). That’s an action, a decision to do something that will contribute to our future end-goal. We hope that we will have clearer perspective of our next steps by learning how to meditate and finding inner peace.
Singapore has the wrong environment for any of these. I don’t get to be the housewife I want to be as it isn’t my house. We are apart from nature almost completely. We are merely existing there. Here in Bali now, albeit not our permanent home, we are living. We are learning, discovering, exploring, and interacting.
Next week, Bjorn and I will be attending Bali Usada meditation retreat in the mountains in central Bali. We have never attempted anything like that before, but it seems that we are drawn to it, curious and hungry to learn wisdom from within. We’ll let you know how it goes…
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